Wednesday 10 August 2022 \


My husband is secretly chatting online with other women...

I need an advice to understand, what I should do in the following situation: I have learned that my husband is chatting with girls, and it is not for the first time. At first when I learned about this, I panicked and wanted to leave him. We had a conversation with him, and he convinced me that this would never happen again. I believed him, as I loved him very much.

We have a son, whom I will not be able to live without. When the son was 3 months old, my husband went to Moscow to earn some money, and I think he cheated on me there. That's what I suspected, seeing his correspondence with the girls from Moscow. After his arrival from Moscow, I felt the alienation and indifference in our relations. I can`t think of the best way out in this situation.

From the point of view of religion:

Probably, it is no longer a secret that Islam strictly forbids men and women to chat, unless they are close relatives of each other, or the marriage between them is forbidden by Shariah. Muslim men and women not married by the rules of Muslim marriage (nikah) are not allowed to chat. It does not matter, exactly what kind of communication they practice, whether it be through meetings, phone or Internet, this communication is forbidden if perverse thoughts appear.

It is prohibited by Shariah to accuse a person of non-marital sexual relations without the evidence provided. The accusation without proof (SMS, etc. are not accepted as proof) is considered a grave sin, and even punishable by 80 lashes.

Talk to him again; try to convey your great love to him. Tell him that his behavior hurts your heart, and that such communication is sinful. Try to influence him through his parents or other people respected by him, if any.

It is a pity that you did not mention the details of your marriage; how you got married, whether you still feel affection to each other ... I may be mistaken, but your letter gives an impression that your marriage is a marriage of convenience and not of love. Perhaps he is not happy in some part of your relationship. Try to find out what it is, if this is really taking place. Alternatively: you can register in social networking, chat with him there and see what exactly he is attracted at other girls with.

Answer by Muhammad Amin Magomedrasulov, Graduate of the Dagestan Islamic University

From the point of view of psychology:

Unfortunately, the problem of misunderstanding between husband and wife is very common. As a rule, there are at least two people in this situation to blame. Speaking on the fact of treason, I will refrain from any commenting on the reason that you are talking about this, basing on the correspondence you have read, and it is not sufficient grounds for any charges.

In any case, the situation is unpleasant and you need to find a way out. As a start, you should determine the priorities: whether you want to keep the family and what kind of sacrifice you are ready to offer for it. As a rule, demands for an explanation of what is happening and the charges against a husband do no good: the result could be just the opposite of the one you expected.

Why is this happening? For two main reasons: first, accusing your husband, you put him in a position of defense. As we know, an attack is the best defense, he will easily switch to the offensive tactics and the conflict will develop. Secondly, there is a risk that he will simply become more cautious and will carefully conceal the fact of communication from you. This occurs when all strength of a blow is aimed at the consequence, and not at the cause of what is happening in the family. It is evident that your husband could not suddenly turn into someone who chats secretly with strange women, writes about his feelings, and so forth. All this was developing step by step. I'm not trying to justify the behavior of your husband and accuse you, no, but you can influence him only through your behavior.

It is known that any phenomenon has a reason, so if we model these very reasons, it is possible to achieve the desired behavior. Most likely there is some dissatisfaction in various areas of your family life. This was the reason that your husband, missing something in your family, began to look for it somewhere else. There may be some kind of dissatisfaction in intimacy, affection, or attention. It is quite possible that you did not discuss his problems with him, or he does not share his own experiences with you and you are not a friend to him. Yes, I`ve said “friend”, no matter how naive it may sound. Everyone knows that love is composed of three main components: respect, friendship and intimacy.

Try changing your own model of interaction with your husband; he will begin to change as well. In conclusion, I would advise you not to involve third parties in solving this problem. Let it remain between you, so it will be much easier to successfully solve it, than under the condition that your or his family are involved in finding the way out. An exception can be made for the local Muslim scholar who would explain unacceptability of such behavior to your husband.

Answer by Aliashab A. Murzaev,

Consulting Psychologist of the Center for Social Assistance to Families and Children

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