Wednesday 10 August 2022 \

 

Help me to stand my husband's character

My  question is: where is the border between respect to husband and self-respect? I know that according to Islam respect to husband is one of the most important pious deeds.

I got married at 19 to a foreigner, I left my job, transferred to tuition by correspondence in a prestigious University, left my family, friends and all that I did just to live with him. Оn the whole we' ve got rather good relationship.

But there is one "but". In spite of the fact that my husband is older than me for almost 10 years, he is rather infantile for he was brought up by women, who indulged all his caprices and despite his father always criticizing him to have high expectations.

The women tried to defend him in front of the father, allowed them to discuss his father's behavior before the child and unintentionally encouraged the son, nodding to his weaknesses and empathizing with him. Now, when I have a three-year old child, it seems to me that, in fact, I have two of them! Both, my child and husband, make me histeric, and I am waiting for the end patiently and silently. His character is the opposite to what people usually call "easy one".

Quite possible that my behavior after the wedding let him address me like that, I mean quarrelling and so on. But now having grown up, I understood that I am not a child, but an independent woman, a responsible one, that is ready to overcome any difficulties in life with the help of Allah. Every time he explodes with anger I start feeling internal resistance: "Why does he think he has right to raise his voice?" But every time I listen to my inner voice and ask him not to behave like that, he feels hurt, because he is a very kind and vulnerable person.

Please, tell me, what emotional rights do I have as a woman and a wife? Is it important for a man to have a gentle and understanding disposition or it is not a serious duty for men before God? It is interesting to know from the view point of psychology whether it is possible to teach my husband how to treat me without direct conflict? Or is it worth talking to him frankly?

Answer:

From the viewpoint of religion:

According to our Prophet (peace and blessing be upon him) the best man is the one who treats his wife and children better than the others."The best of you is the best to his family, and I am the best of you to my family" (Sunan Ibn Majah, № 1967).

Even the last minutes of his life, Prophet (peace and blessing be upon him) ordered to treat women well!

However, no matter how hard a husband treats his wife, she has no right to raise his voice or be impudent, but even to frown!

One of the hadiths of our Prophet (pbbuh) says if Prophet (pbbuh) ordered somebody to bow the other person, in the first place he would order a woman to bow her husband. (at-Tirmizi).

 

Don't give way to your emotions, don't yield to Iblis waiting and dreaming how to separate you and   to make a mess. Be patient, because nothing remains unnoticed. Allah says in Qur'an that there will be reward and visitation even for good or bad deed of speck of dust's size, it means that even an insignificant action will be appreciated in Eternal life (sura Az-zalzala,ayats 7-8)

You should know that your negative reaction, surge of emotions will only aggravate the situation. Frequently, it is a woman who provokes a man, she always lacks of everything: she does everything about the house, but her husband brings little money, and her friend's husband bought her a fur coat, a car and so on.

Be grateful for all that he gives you, try to be a caring and loving wife for him. As soon as he sees such an attitude to him he will treat you better too.

From the viewpoint of psychology:

It's rather difficult to draw a borderline between respect to your husband and self-respect, and the question is whether it's worth doing? The problem is that the search of this borderline will bring into your family relation tension, and you will lose spontaneity of relationship. That's the reason of why I pay your attention to the search and define of the border between natural relation between a husband and a wife and artificially created.

In such a case it is appropriate to turn our eyes towards behaviorism, a trend in psychology, which runs as follows "any behavior is the result of some stimulus, that person gets from outer world." That is the infantile behavior of your husband is the result of excessive care and inability (inadaptability) of your husband to take responsibility for his own actions.

The common approach of psychology (determinism) draws our attention to that any psychological phenomenon has always its reasons. The reason is usually person's inward needs. In other words, while somebody assumes responsibility for your husband it is not necessary for him to be self-reliant. That's why you should more often consult your husband when you take decisions concerning your family: let him say the last word, even if you don't agree with him. In case of unsuccessful end of some event he will understand his responsibility for what has happened and the next time will treat more seriously to his own decisions.

Speaking about your quarrel and his criticism to you, you should remember: we are treated by people the way we feel inwardly, and show us what we let them to. It doesn't mean that every time you must strictly interrupt you husband. But the next time, when he will raise his voice, tell him in a gentle way, that you are not going to quarrel with him because he is your husband and you love and appreciate him and have no desire to quarrel at all. It sounds naive, but it makes people to re-estimate their own words and renounce useless criticism. Self-respect lies in the fact that you think highly of yourself, you try to avoid quarrels with your husband, don't react negatively. Learn to respect yourself and you'll see your husband’s respect to you. Don't forget, family is a system, that's why, the change of one element (in our case it's your reaction to your husband's criticism) will lead to the change of the whole structure of your relationship.

Ask Alim

 

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